If she were a president, she’d be Baberham Lincoln.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.

Of course I’m not perfect; there’s a crack in my ass!

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, ‘Oh crap, she’s up.’

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.